So...you're thinking of breaking a bone on your body are you? Might I recommend something in the leg region, particularly the lower leg? We have a fabulous range of outpatient appointments, calf cramp and crutches to suit your every whim and need. But before you go off racing to break say, you ankle, why not have a read of our pro's and con's list of breaking a body part so that you can ensure you are making an informed choice.
Pro's of Breaking An Ankle:
1) Endless sympathy from strangers, people you know and generally everyone you meet on the street as you hobble from destination to destination.
2) A permanent seat on the bus/tube/train or anywhere you go
3) Endless cups of tea appearing on your desk, on your coffee table, everywhere all the time.
4) People who work in supermarkets taking your basket off you and doing your shopping for you.
5) Drivers letting you cross the road without having to run for your life.
6) Being able to come into work an hour later and leave an hour later so that you avoid rush hour.
7) Allowing your house to get messy as there's not much you can do about it. Kind of changes your whole raison d'etre but maybe that's not a bad thing?
8) Not having to cook as hobbling around your kitchen while you measure spices can result in turmeric on work top disaster.
9) Single-handedly saving the local economy due to Reason No.8 by getting takeaways from local eateries.
10) Even Ryanair staff are nice to you when you travel with a botched ankle. Though if you are prone to a weak heart as well as a shattered ankle, I wouldn't try this as the shock of them being pleasant and treating you like a human being may actually tip you over the edge to Croaksville.
11) Cutting down on snacking involuntarily as I can't get bored and just run off to the kitchen for a KitKat. My teeth and waistband are happy.
12) Inadvertently having your vow of getting Londoners talking to each other, actually happen!
13) Making a bus buddy who has been on the same bus, at the same time, in the same seat for three days running.
14) You get to wear beautiful dresses and skirts all the time because your silly skinny jeans are too silly and skinny to go over your cast.
15) Fierce triceps and biceps by the time you are off the crutches.
16) Staying in and hibernating as it's too wet/too far/too many slippery leaves/ too cold for your toes outside.
Con's of Breaking An Ankle:
1) Breaking your ankle, it really hurts.
2) Being on crutches is not nearly as much fun as you thought they were when you were a child and would steal your Dad's crutches and then abandon them as you went to school leaving him to hobble to the other side of the house every morning. Every. Morning. Sorry Dad.
3) Not being able to get up whenever you want and do something. Having to plan your next move carefully is not something I have ever done in the past and having to constantly survey my surroundings to see what obstacles are in the way of where I need to go.
4) Not being able to drink as much tea as I used to.
5) Having people constantly looking after you can get tiring, you feel like a burden and although you appreciate the help immensely, you feel incompetent.
6) Feeling guilty for asking for help and receiving it, even though you really, really, really do need it.
7) Your house is up in a heap. Grand if you are messy, but if you are OCD about a tidy house, you will faint like a Victorian each time you see your kitchen.
8) Your plants are dying as you can no longer hop up on the counter to water them.
9) You envy people who are walking.
10) You cannot hold an umbrella and use crutches at the same time resulting in a rather fetching drowned rat look in the morning.
11) You have to wear skirts and dresses in the depths of winter as your lovely skinny jeans are too lovely and skinny to go over your silly cast.
12) Your cast isn't really a cast any more, it's just some damp bandages wrapped around your leg. You can't even pimp it by having people sign it.
13) Having to sleep on your back. If this is your default sleeping position, then you are quids in. If it's not however, and is in fact the position that makes you snore like a gutted boar, then I am sorry but you must deal with it. Either that or cause yourself untold agony by lying on your side and hurting your ankle even more.
14) Aching calf muscle from all the tip-toeing on your fractured ankle side.
15) Scummy bandage on the bottom from walking to the bus each day.
16) Having to use four buses to get to and from work each day.
17) Making a bus buddy who has been on the same bus, at the same time, in the same seat for three days running.
18) Not really leaving the house that much as everywhere is too feckin' far to walk in crutches.
19) Sore hands.
20) Sore bum cheek from having to do all the work for two bum cheeks.
21) Living up to your nickname of Calamity Jane
23) Cold toes.
As you can see, the Con's have outweighed the Pro's as far as this particular breakage goes, but if you think this is the right course of action for you, then please, allow me to recommend a dramatic forward tumble on your left ankle as a clear path to breaking. Ensure you are carrying your wallet and a book so you can fling them out into the middle of road and please don't rely on anyone around you who sees you fall to help you. Best be sure to have a good friend with you who will carry you to the taxi
Pro's of Breaking An Ankle:
1) Endless sympathy from strangers, people you know and generally everyone you meet on the street as you hobble from destination to destination.
2) A permanent seat on the bus/tube/train or anywhere you go
3) Endless cups of tea appearing on your desk, on your coffee table, everywhere all the time.
4) People who work in supermarkets taking your basket off you and doing your shopping for you.
5) Drivers letting you cross the road without having to run for your life.
6) Being able to come into work an hour later and leave an hour later so that you avoid rush hour.
7) Allowing your house to get messy as there's not much you can do about it. Kind of changes your whole raison d'etre but maybe that's not a bad thing?
8) Not having to cook as hobbling around your kitchen while you measure spices can result in turmeric on work top disaster.
9) Single-handedly saving the local economy due to Reason No.8 by getting takeaways from local eateries.
10) Even Ryanair staff are nice to you when you travel with a botched ankle. Though if you are prone to a weak heart as well as a shattered ankle, I wouldn't try this as the shock of them being pleasant and treating you like a human being may actually tip you over the edge to Croaksville.
11) Cutting down on snacking involuntarily as I can't get bored and just run off to the kitchen for a KitKat. My teeth and waistband are happy.
12) Inadvertently having your vow of getting Londoners talking to each other, actually happen!
13) Making a bus buddy who has been on the same bus, at the same time, in the same seat for three days running.
14) You get to wear beautiful dresses and skirts all the time because your silly skinny jeans are too silly and skinny to go over your cast.
15) Fierce triceps and biceps by the time you are off the crutches.
16) Staying in and hibernating as it's too wet/too far/too many slippery leaves/ too cold for your toes outside.
Con's of Breaking An Ankle:
1) Breaking your ankle, it really hurts.
2) Being on crutches is not nearly as much fun as you thought they were when you were a child and would steal your Dad's crutches and then abandon them as you went to school leaving him to hobble to the other side of the house every morning. Every. Morning. Sorry Dad.
3) Not being able to get up whenever you want and do something. Having to plan your next move carefully is not something I have ever done in the past and having to constantly survey my surroundings to see what obstacles are in the way of where I need to go.
4) Not being able to drink as much tea as I used to.
5) Having people constantly looking after you can get tiring, you feel like a burden and although you appreciate the help immensely, you feel incompetent.
6) Feeling guilty for asking for help and receiving it, even though you really, really, really do need it.
7) Your house is up in a heap. Grand if you are messy, but if you are OCD about a tidy house, you will faint like a Victorian each time you see your kitchen.
8) Your plants are dying as you can no longer hop up on the counter to water them.
9) You envy people who are walking.
10) You cannot hold an umbrella and use crutches at the same time resulting in a rather fetching drowned rat look in the morning.
11) You have to wear skirts and dresses in the depths of winter as your lovely skinny jeans are too lovely and skinny to go over your silly cast.
12) Your cast isn't really a cast any more, it's just some damp bandages wrapped around your leg. You can't even pimp it by having people sign it.
13) Having to sleep on your back. If this is your default sleeping position, then you are quids in. If it's not however, and is in fact the position that makes you snore like a gutted boar, then I am sorry but you must deal with it. Either that or cause yourself untold agony by lying on your side and hurting your ankle even more.
14) Aching calf muscle from all the tip-toeing on your fractured ankle side.
15) Scummy bandage on the bottom from walking to the bus each day.
16) Having to use four buses to get to and from work each day.
17) Making a bus buddy who has been on the same bus, at the same time, in the same seat for three days running.
18) Not really leaving the house that much as everywhere is too feckin' far to walk in crutches.
19) Sore hands.
20) Sore bum cheek from having to do all the work for two bum cheeks.
21) Living up to your nickname of Calamity Jane
23) Cold toes.
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