As soon as the phrase leaves your mouth, you can see the barrista's mental tin opener begin to fire up and soon the can of worms are writhing around on the counter. Have any other four words ever opened a more drawn out conversation like these have? Gone are the days (some lament, others embrace) where this question would be answered with a simple 'Sure, milk and sugar?' and off they pop to make you your coffee. Now its Gestapo style questioning before they will even fully acknowledge your order.
'For here or takeaway'
'Erm...takeaway please'
'Short, tall or grande?'
'Erm...medium?'
'Tall. Mocha, au lait, espresso, latte, cappuccino, macchiato, flat white, Americano? '
'Normal filter coffee thanks'
'Americano. Would you like to make it bigger for 50p?'
'If I wanted it bigger surely I would have picked big eh?'
'What'?
'No thanks.'
'Would you like something to accompany your coffee today'
'No thanks, it's 8.30 in the morning, I could do with eating breakfast before I start on almond biscotti and a giant pound coin of chocolate thanks'
'Sorry?'
'No thank you'
Cold hard cash is exchanged and something unintelligible is roared at the person standing flustered beside what looks like a time machine while I am not so politely told to move to the other counter to wait and before I can even say thank you, they are off shining a torture light into some other poor souls eyes. Is this what coffee shops are like up and down the country and at home? Why do we pay people to ask us ridiculous questions and basically treat us like something scraped off the bottom of a shoe, it's akin to paying a dominatrix to come and stomp all over our backs with stilettos. The questions that require silly answers with words we would never use anywhere else such as short flat white extra frothy grande skinny soy frappuccino, the up-selling of confectionery that makes me think I don't know my own mind, it's all beginning to grate on me a wee bit.
I don't use coffee shops/houses/dens/planets as I find them all just a teeny bit pretentious and I have no time for pretension. If I wanted to be asked a series of questions in a rude and shouty manner, I would go royally piss off someone like my mum, or my boss, except I would have had to have killed someone or have stolen something huge for either of them to react in such a manner towards me.
The noise! Oh god the NOISE of coffee shops! The person shouting to the barista, the barista doing some Saw IV style nastiness to milk, the piped music, the nervous chatter of the people in the queue, the over analysis of everything of the people who have gotten their fix and are sitting down, does it not get to you? If I were a caffeine addict the way that most frequenters of coffee houses seem to be, this kind of atmosphere would not be conducive to calming my caffeine starved morning addled brain. In fact, it might just make the anger and jitters rise to the surface and have me scream obscenities at all and sundry in the shop, only for it to be drowned out by the sound of the milk torture device. How there are not more massacres and sniper killings in coffee shops, I'll never know. Think schools are a hot bed of repression and angst? Try Starbucks on a Thursday morning.
I am a tea drinker, nay, a tea addict, and have in fact being given a look of scorn by not only the person behind the counter when I went to order one, but also a tut of disapproval by some guy with a briefcase and a suit and a harassed face. I was not pleased, and normally, would have happily said something to Tutting man with briefcase, but this was early morning, so I'm sure coffee withdrawal was at an all time high with him, and the air was thick with coffee nerves that I didn't dare open my mouth. Glancing back at the line behind me, no one spoke, no one made eye contact, everyone was humming with a nervous energy and an almost shameful look on their faces that I was reminded of the dole queue when I was unemployed. Is this really normal?
Recently, loveable old Uncle Starbucks have started a campaign whereby they ask your name to write it on the cup, rather than screeching out your order when the beverage is ready. The Pretentious Bells started ringing when I saw this ad, and it kind of made me gag just a little bit. 'Haven't you noticed how everything is a little, impersonal these days' the kindly voiced man on the ad tells me. Yes, yes I have as a matter of fact. It comes from the staff not making eye contact with me when I order. It comes from being made to feel idiotic when I don't want to use silly names for my coffee such as a grande skinny latte. It is in the impersonal feel of most franchised coffee houses that are really just about the dollar dollar bills y'all and nothing to do with wanting to maybe have a quick chat with you, even ask the 'how are you' question, even in a perfunctory manner. If I go into one of these places, I am perfectly OK with them yelling out my order rather than my name, it's the nature of the business and the mark of the beast, it is what it is. Don't try to lure me in on the promise that the staff will care or remember me in a giant coffee shop!
There is one coffee shop that I do like, and when the mood strikes me, that's where I go. Why? Because even at it's busiest, and it does get extremely busy, the staff are polite and welcoming and willing to have a quick chat, it's because they don't use silly lingo to make you your tea or coffee and ask you to fill out a questionnaire when you want to order, it's from the waitress actually remembering me and giving me that packet of popcorn I loved so much the last time on the house. That's personal, that type of interaction with people and building a fleeting and mostly superficial relationship with the customer I want, and that cannot be faked, even with a slick marketing campaign.
When will the coffee house mania end?
How did it even start?
Is the next step self service coffee houses along the lines of Tesco and Sainsburys? Now if that was the case, I think I might start using them. I will happily buy my tea, pick a seat and watch as the bedlam unfolds I might even buy some of that biscotti they were on about, I like a good munch when I am settling in to watch some chaos ensue. I'm off to make tea, anyone want one?
'For here or takeaway'
'Erm...takeaway please'
'Short, tall or grande?'
'Erm...medium?'
'Tall. Mocha, au lait, espresso, latte, cappuccino, macchiato, flat white, Americano? '
'Normal filter coffee thanks'
'Americano. Would you like to make it bigger for 50p?'
'If I wanted it bigger surely I would have picked big eh?'
'What'?
'No thanks.'
'Would you like something to accompany your coffee today'
'No thanks, it's 8.30 in the morning, I could do with eating breakfast before I start on almond biscotti and a giant pound coin of chocolate thanks'
'Sorry?'
'No thank you'
Cold hard cash is exchanged and something unintelligible is roared at the person standing flustered beside what looks like a time machine while I am not so politely told to move to the other counter to wait and before I can even say thank you, they are off shining a torture light into some other poor souls eyes. Is this what coffee shops are like up and down the country and at home? Why do we pay people to ask us ridiculous questions and basically treat us like something scraped off the bottom of a shoe, it's akin to paying a dominatrix to come and stomp all over our backs with stilettos. The questions that require silly answers with words we would never use anywhere else such as short flat white extra frothy grande skinny soy frappuccino, the up-selling of confectionery that makes me think I don't know my own mind, it's all beginning to grate on me a wee bit.
I don't use coffee shops/houses/dens/planets as I find them all just a teeny bit pretentious and I have no time for pretension. If I wanted to be asked a series of questions in a rude and shouty manner, I would go royally piss off someone like my mum, or my boss, except I would have had to have killed someone or have stolen something huge for either of them to react in such a manner towards me.
The noise! Oh god the NOISE of coffee shops! The person shouting to the barista, the barista doing some Saw IV style nastiness to milk, the piped music, the nervous chatter of the people in the queue, the over analysis of everything of the people who have gotten their fix and are sitting down, does it not get to you? If I were a caffeine addict the way that most frequenters of coffee houses seem to be, this kind of atmosphere would not be conducive to calming my caffeine starved morning addled brain. In fact, it might just make the anger and jitters rise to the surface and have me scream obscenities at all and sundry in the shop, only for it to be drowned out by the sound of the milk torture device. How there are not more massacres and sniper killings in coffee shops, I'll never know. Think schools are a hot bed of repression and angst? Try Starbucks on a Thursday morning.
I am a tea drinker, nay, a tea addict, and have in fact being given a look of scorn by not only the person behind the counter when I went to order one, but also a tut of disapproval by some guy with a briefcase and a suit and a harassed face. I was not pleased, and normally, would have happily said something to Tutting man with briefcase, but this was early morning, so I'm sure coffee withdrawal was at an all time high with him, and the air was thick with coffee nerves that I didn't dare open my mouth. Glancing back at the line behind me, no one spoke, no one made eye contact, everyone was humming with a nervous energy and an almost shameful look on their faces that I was reminded of the dole queue when I was unemployed. Is this really normal?
Recently, loveable old Uncle Starbucks have started a campaign whereby they ask your name to write it on the cup, rather than screeching out your order when the beverage is ready. The Pretentious Bells started ringing when I saw this ad, and it kind of made me gag just a little bit. 'Haven't you noticed how everything is a little, impersonal these days' the kindly voiced man on the ad tells me. Yes, yes I have as a matter of fact. It comes from the staff not making eye contact with me when I order. It comes from being made to feel idiotic when I don't want to use silly names for my coffee such as a grande skinny latte. It is in the impersonal feel of most franchised coffee houses that are really just about the dollar dollar bills y'all and nothing to do with wanting to maybe have a quick chat with you, even ask the 'how are you' question, even in a perfunctory manner. If I go into one of these places, I am perfectly OK with them yelling out my order rather than my name, it's the nature of the business and the mark of the beast, it is what it is. Don't try to lure me in on the promise that the staff will care or remember me in a giant coffee shop!
There is one coffee shop that I do like, and when the mood strikes me, that's where I go. Why? Because even at it's busiest, and it does get extremely busy, the staff are polite and welcoming and willing to have a quick chat, it's because they don't use silly lingo to make you your tea or coffee and ask you to fill out a questionnaire when you want to order, it's from the waitress actually remembering me and giving me that packet of popcorn I loved so much the last time on the house. That's personal, that type of interaction with people and building a fleeting and mostly superficial relationship with the customer I want, and that cannot be faked, even with a slick marketing campaign.
When will the coffee house mania end?
How did it even start?
Is the next step self service coffee houses along the lines of Tesco and Sainsburys? Now if that was the case, I think I might start using them. I will happily buy my tea, pick a seat and watch as the bedlam unfolds I might even buy some of that biscotti they were on about, I like a good munch when I am settling in to watch some chaos ensue. I'm off to make tea, anyone want one?
