Beardy Man rocks up to roadside bar, storms in the front door and walks up to the insanely gorgeous waitress behind the counter.
'Are you alive' smoulders Beardy Man
'I turned the music up' says Insanely Gorgeous Waitress to the unseen interviewer.
They hop up on the counter and dance together like Gray and Swayze, suddenly everybody in the bar is on the pool table, the pinball machine, dancing, dancing, dancing...
'And?' prompts unseen interviewer.
'I quit my job' she says.
Parting shot is her frolicking in a car driving down a deserted highway with three guys.
Diesel, Fuel for Life.
Well let me tell you something Mr Diesel, its not Fuel for Life, its idiocy of the highest degree. What kind of person quits their job for the first bearded hipster man who wanders into their bar and leaves with three guys they've never met before? Perfume ads...my God they infuriate me.
They don't make sense, they never have, they never will. To see what I mean, lets dissect the Diesel ad that's really gotten under my skin shall we?
So the three achingly cool men in their convertible, screech to a halt outside the dingiest looking dive ever to be cunningly created by a company. In all my life, I have known two people who have driven a convertible, I don't know anyone of hipster origin who would be seen dead in one. First mistake Diesel, do your research!
Beardy Man, as you can see above, asks her an inane question: is she alive. Is she alive? Hmmm, good question Beardy Man, I honestly don't know, but lets look at the evidence will we? Exhibit A, she is standing upright without the aid of a wall. Exhibit B, she smiled at you while you sauntered up to her. Exhibit C, her eyes were open. Exhibit D, and perhaps the most important piece of evidence, she was breathing. Now, I am not the brainiest person in the room, I don't excel at the sciences such as physics or biology, but I know the basics. And with the examples just given, I am inclined to believe that yes, yes she is alive, ergo your sentence was pretty nonsensical and looks to me like you were too busy looking cool in school to be bothered learning anything about what separates us, the living, from them, the dead. But it's OK, you can grow facial hair and wear dementedly tight trousers oh so well, so we'll let you away with it.
Now, lets a shine a light on what Insanely Gorgeous Waitress has presented us with. She turns the music up for a start. If I were a paying customer, even in this dingy bar, I wouldn't be too happy with her behaviour. She has left her post behind the bar, what if I decide I want another drink? Who's going to serve me, the customer? Bad customer service, I expected more, even from the dingy dive bar. The music is now too loud for me to enjoy my quiet drink, which is the only reason people come this far out to the middle of nowhere to have one, its not called a Quiet One for nothing! And then she's up on the counter, and suddenly everyone around is a professional dancer, who knew? And they're off on all available surfaces like some sort of flash mob. One particular hipster is dancing a jig up on the pool table kicking the balls around, with nerry a regard for the delicate green fabric of the billiards table. Such disrespect! But look at how pretty his mouth is, and marvel over how firm his jaw line is... Oh did I mention the bar is now full of models? Yeah. Of course.
She is prompted by the Unseen (and possibly unnecessary?) Interviewer to continue her story post-counter dance, and she responds with what I'm sure is supposed to be a life affirming hook line, I quit my job. Oh did you? Good girl! And why did you do that if you don't mind me asking? Because Beardy Man implied that I wasn't alive because I was working as a waitress. Oh right, so how are you going to support yourself? Well I am insanely gorgeous so I'm confident money will come my way, and Beardy Man's future is secured with his ability to grow facial hair and wear dementedly tight trousers, surely he can just walk into any job he wants? Sure, sure of course. And were you never told as a youngster to not get into a car with strangers? I'm sure you were, but hey, who cares, three beautiful men don't come along like that every often so off you go, kick your old life to the kerb, the one where you were laden with responsibilities such as working, thinking for yourself, being independent and head off on a most likely fruitless adventure with three strangers you met in a bar who have beards and a convertible.
So what next for our band of gorgeous adventurers? Where does the road lead for our merry men and women? Do they get jobs like in real life? Or do they keep driving down the road randomly stopping at dive bars and roadside cafés and pick up modelesque men and women? What will they do when they run out of petrol? Or worse still, run out of room in the convertible? Who knows, and frankly who cares. Obviously perfume and aftershave companies think we do, why else would they make such irritatingly vapid adverts apparently designed to attract us and fool us into buying their scent? Oh look, Kate Moss is on a beach in nothing but a pair of jeans and the scent of Obsession on her skin, I must have it! Aha, there is David Gandy on a boat in the middle of an impossibly blue sea in his skivvies, it must be Cool Waters time! Ryan Reynolds is stalking down a corridor and changing a shirt and then looking lost and confused on a roof top terrace, must be the waft of Hugo Boss that brought him up there. And don't get me started on Nicole Kidman in Chanel. Yet another person who shirks her responsibilities, leaves her former life behind to go running up a tower and dance with a Brazilian male model. You mean, that hasn't happened to you yet?
Fragrance - by Somebody, Fool for Life
'Are you alive' smoulders Beardy Man
'I turned the music up' says Insanely Gorgeous Waitress to the unseen interviewer.
They hop up on the counter and dance together like Gray and Swayze, suddenly everybody in the bar is on the pool table, the pinball machine, dancing, dancing, dancing...
'And?' prompts unseen interviewer.
'I quit my job' she says.
Parting shot is her frolicking in a car driving down a deserted highway with three guys.
Diesel, Fuel for Life.
Well let me tell you something Mr Diesel, its not Fuel for Life, its idiocy of the highest degree. What kind of person quits their job for the first bearded hipster man who wanders into their bar and leaves with three guys they've never met before? Perfume ads...my God they infuriate me.
They don't make sense, they never have, they never will. To see what I mean, lets dissect the Diesel ad that's really gotten under my skin shall we?
So the three achingly cool men in their convertible, screech to a halt outside the dingiest looking dive ever to be cunningly created by a company. In all my life, I have known two people who have driven a convertible, I don't know anyone of hipster origin who would be seen dead in one. First mistake Diesel, do your research!
Beardy Man, as you can see above, asks her an inane question: is she alive. Is she alive? Hmmm, good question Beardy Man, I honestly don't know, but lets look at the evidence will we? Exhibit A, she is standing upright without the aid of a wall. Exhibit B, she smiled at you while you sauntered up to her. Exhibit C, her eyes were open. Exhibit D, and perhaps the most important piece of evidence, she was breathing. Now, I am not the brainiest person in the room, I don't excel at the sciences such as physics or biology, but I know the basics. And with the examples just given, I am inclined to believe that yes, yes she is alive, ergo your sentence was pretty nonsensical and looks to me like you were too busy looking cool in school to be bothered learning anything about what separates us, the living, from them, the dead. But it's OK, you can grow facial hair and wear dementedly tight trousers oh so well, so we'll let you away with it.
Now, lets a shine a light on what Insanely Gorgeous Waitress has presented us with. She turns the music up for a start. If I were a paying customer, even in this dingy bar, I wouldn't be too happy with her behaviour. She has left her post behind the bar, what if I decide I want another drink? Who's going to serve me, the customer? Bad customer service, I expected more, even from the dingy dive bar. The music is now too loud for me to enjoy my quiet drink, which is the only reason people come this far out to the middle of nowhere to have one, its not called a Quiet One for nothing! And then she's up on the counter, and suddenly everyone around is a professional dancer, who knew? And they're off on all available surfaces like some sort of flash mob. One particular hipster is dancing a jig up on the pool table kicking the balls around, with nerry a regard for the delicate green fabric of the billiards table. Such disrespect! But look at how pretty his mouth is, and marvel over how firm his jaw line is... Oh did I mention the bar is now full of models? Yeah. Of course.
She is prompted by the Unseen (and possibly unnecessary?) Interviewer to continue her story post-counter dance, and she responds with what I'm sure is supposed to be a life affirming hook line, I quit my job. Oh did you? Good girl! And why did you do that if you don't mind me asking? Because Beardy Man implied that I wasn't alive because I was working as a waitress. Oh right, so how are you going to support yourself? Well I am insanely gorgeous so I'm confident money will come my way, and Beardy Man's future is secured with his ability to grow facial hair and wear dementedly tight trousers, surely he can just walk into any job he wants? Sure, sure of course. And were you never told as a youngster to not get into a car with strangers? I'm sure you were, but hey, who cares, three beautiful men don't come along like that every often so off you go, kick your old life to the kerb, the one where you were laden with responsibilities such as working, thinking for yourself, being independent and head off on a most likely fruitless adventure with three strangers you met in a bar who have beards and a convertible.
So what next for our band of gorgeous adventurers? Where does the road lead for our merry men and women? Do they get jobs like in real life? Or do they keep driving down the road randomly stopping at dive bars and roadside cafés and pick up modelesque men and women? What will they do when they run out of petrol? Or worse still, run out of room in the convertible? Who knows, and frankly who cares. Obviously perfume and aftershave companies think we do, why else would they make such irritatingly vapid adverts apparently designed to attract us and fool us into buying their scent? Oh look, Kate Moss is on a beach in nothing but a pair of jeans and the scent of Obsession on her skin, I must have it! Aha, there is David Gandy on a boat in the middle of an impossibly blue sea in his skivvies, it must be Cool Waters time! Ryan Reynolds is stalking down a corridor and changing a shirt and then looking lost and confused on a roof top terrace, must be the waft of Hugo Boss that brought him up there. And don't get me started on Nicole Kidman in Chanel. Yet another person who shirks her responsibilities, leaves her former life behind to go running up a tower and dance with a Brazilian male model. You mean, that hasn't happened to you yet?
Fragrance - by Somebody, Fool for Life
