Part Deux as they say in the States:
Following on from the roaring success of part one in my Footpath Hogger Chronicles, here is my second and final entry. These are a short selection of the perils that you literally face each day. Note, I will not be offering solutions to these, as there are none, just giving you a heads up on how to spot and hopefully avoid a hogger coming at you. Note note, maybe a solution of crossing the road altogether...
The One Two Three Four Five Shuffle Type:
You seem them. They see you. Probably from a great distance down the street. You alter your course to avoid walking on the same path as them. However, they could be like you, and could have already altered THEIR own course to avoid walking on your side of the path. You alter back, so as to avoid paths literally crossing. However, they are of the same mind frame, and have done the exact same thing. This can continue for some time, with both of you springing from left to right in a one-two style shuffle spanning the width of the pavement.
Oh OK, a solution:
While it may take two to tango, it will only take one to put an end to the Tomfoolery of a one-two shuffle. Once you have shuffled side to side a good four times, stay where you are, and let the other person dance around you. Meet their gaze, smile, and keep on walking!
These scenarios can actually brighten up your day, so instead of avoiding them, sometimes its fun to just do it. And if you are feeling very brave and like the look of the person you are shuffling with, why not grab their hands and do a little dance a la Gene Kelly or someone else famous for being a dancer (answers on a post card please). And while this might work in somewhere such a London, I wouldn't really try this in Down Town Ballygobackwards, you may end up being known as The Quare Wan. And no one wants that.
I Own The Footpath Type:
They see you, yet you might not necessarily see them. And yet as you are walking on the footpath, you sort of keep to your respective side so as not to pee any fellow pedestrians off. However, you may be veering off into the oncoming path of someone else (unbeknownst of course) The I Own The Footpath Type spots you coming from a mile away, much like a hunting lioness, sees that you are alone and vulnerable, and makes their move. Suddenly, as if you the mere meerkat in all this hears a rustling in the undergrowth and senses danger, you spot them, and move over to your chosen side while the hunter bears down on you. However, they are not walking in a straight line on their own side of the path, they are coming across the path, to your side. You think they may be doing so in error, but please dear meerkat, cop on, they are doing this intentionally, to gain power over the footpath, to gain control on the pavement empire. You make urgent eye contact with them, urging them to keep over their own side. But they are relentless, and will not be happy until you have walked into the wall parallel to the street you are on, or are arm deep in a bush or hedge along the side of the road. Once they have passed you, they instantly move back to their own sides, with a smug grin on their face.
Fine, OK, another solution:
There's not much you can do in this situation, except hold your own. Stand your ground, and if you are fast enough to recognise them coming down the street, perhaps feign rooting in your hand bag (on the side of the path, remember no one likes The Stopper) but stay where you are, until danger goes past you. Or, if you are feeling brave and are the kind of person who would engage in a hand held one-two shuffle like above, then give them a taste of their own medicine. Yes, that's right, become the I Own The Footpath Type. I have never seen this happen, so I wouldn't really recommend anyone to do it. You could give it a go though, and get back to me? Warning: do not engage in angry eye contact, they will sense your fear and you will end up not just touching the hedge growth, but more than likely in it. It will not end well.
The Marcher Type:
Normally women, I am not going to lie, you know the power-bitch types? With the glasses, and heels, and the make-up, and the waist the size of your arm, and the eyebrows, and the bag held not on their shoulder (that's a post for another day) but in the nook of their elbow? Yes, you all know them, of course some of you might actually be them. Anyway! They do see you, but pretend not to. In fact, when you look at them, it is as if you are invisible to them and they are looking straight through you. They also walk right in the middle of the footpath, and will be marching forth like a tank, and they will mow you down if you are not canny enough to see them early and move well out of the way.
OK this is the final solution: (note, not to be confused with Hitler's final solution, a tad drastic for a mere footpath violation)
You could march into them? Who knows where that could go though, so again, please do not try this. Your best bet? Do the walking equivalent of lying down in the foetal position and playing dead to avoid attack from The Marcher, pick a side of the pavement and keep as close to the edge as possible and never, ever veer into their path.
You have been warned.
Following on from the roaring success of part one in my Footpath Hogger Chronicles, here is my second and final entry. These are a short selection of the perils that you literally face each day. Note, I will not be offering solutions to these, as there are none, just giving you a heads up on how to spot and hopefully avoid a hogger coming at you. Note note, maybe a solution of crossing the road altogether...
The One Two Three Four Five Shuffle Type:
You seem them. They see you. Probably from a great distance down the street. You alter your course to avoid walking on the same path as them. However, they could be like you, and could have already altered THEIR own course to avoid walking on your side of the path. You alter back, so as to avoid paths literally crossing. However, they are of the same mind frame, and have done the exact same thing. This can continue for some time, with both of you springing from left to right in a one-two style shuffle spanning the width of the pavement.
Oh OK, a solution:
While it may take two to tango, it will only take one to put an end to the Tomfoolery of a one-two shuffle. Once you have shuffled side to side a good four times, stay where you are, and let the other person dance around you. Meet their gaze, smile, and keep on walking!
These scenarios can actually brighten up your day, so instead of avoiding them, sometimes its fun to just do it. And if you are feeling very brave and like the look of the person you are shuffling with, why not grab their hands and do a little dance a la Gene Kelly or someone else famous for being a dancer (answers on a post card please). And while this might work in somewhere such a London, I wouldn't really try this in Down Town Ballygobackwards, you may end up being known as The Quare Wan. And no one wants that.
I Own The Footpath Type:
They see you, yet you might not necessarily see them. And yet as you are walking on the footpath, you sort of keep to your respective side so as not to pee any fellow pedestrians off. However, you may be veering off into the oncoming path of someone else (unbeknownst of course) The I Own The Footpath Type spots you coming from a mile away, much like a hunting lioness, sees that you are alone and vulnerable, and makes their move. Suddenly, as if you the mere meerkat in all this hears a rustling in the undergrowth and senses danger, you spot them, and move over to your chosen side while the hunter bears down on you. However, they are not walking in a straight line on their own side of the path, they are coming across the path, to your side. You think they may be doing so in error, but please dear meerkat, cop on, they are doing this intentionally, to gain power over the footpath, to gain control on the pavement empire. You make urgent eye contact with them, urging them to keep over their own side. But they are relentless, and will not be happy until you have walked into the wall parallel to the street you are on, or are arm deep in a bush or hedge along the side of the road. Once they have passed you, they instantly move back to their own sides, with a smug grin on their face.
Fine, OK, another solution:
There's not much you can do in this situation, except hold your own. Stand your ground, and if you are fast enough to recognise them coming down the street, perhaps feign rooting in your hand bag (on the side of the path, remember no one likes The Stopper) but stay where you are, until danger goes past you. Or, if you are feeling brave and are the kind of person who would engage in a hand held one-two shuffle like above, then give them a taste of their own medicine. Yes, that's right, become the I Own The Footpath Type. I have never seen this happen, so I wouldn't really recommend anyone to do it. You could give it a go though, and get back to me? Warning: do not engage in angry eye contact, they will sense your fear and you will end up not just touching the hedge growth, but more than likely in it. It will not end well.
The Marcher Type:
Normally women, I am not going to lie, you know the power-bitch types? With the glasses, and heels, and the make-up, and the waist the size of your arm, and the eyebrows, and the bag held not on their shoulder (that's a post for another day) but in the nook of their elbow? Yes, you all know them, of course some of you might actually be them. Anyway! They do see you, but pretend not to. In fact, when you look at them, it is as if you are invisible to them and they are looking straight through you. They also walk right in the middle of the footpath, and will be marching forth like a tank, and they will mow you down if you are not canny enough to see them early and move well out of the way.
OK this is the final solution: (note, not to be confused with Hitler's final solution, a tad drastic for a mere footpath violation)
You could march into them? Who knows where that could go though, so again, please do not try this. Your best bet? Do the walking equivalent of lying down in the foetal position and playing dead to avoid attack from The Marcher, pick a side of the pavement and keep as close to the edge as possible and never, ever veer into their path.
You have been warned.
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