Why did the chicken cross the road? Probably because the footpath hogger wouldn't get out of the way

Part Deux as they say in the States:

Following on from the roaring success of part one in my Footpath Hogger Chronicles, here is my second and final entry. These are a short selection of the perils that you literally face each day. Note, I will not be offering solutions to these, as there are none, just giving you a heads up on how to spot and hopefully avoid a hogger coming at you. Note note, maybe a solution of crossing the road altogether...

The One Two Three Four Five Shuffle Type:
You seem them. They see you. Probably from a great distance down the street. You alter your course to avoid walking on the same path as them. However, they could be like you, and could have already altered THEIR own course to avoid walking on your side of the path. You alter back, so as to avoid paths literally crossing. However, they are of the same mind frame, and have done the exact same thing. This can continue for some time, with both of you springing from left to right in a one-two style shuffle spanning the width of the pavement.
Oh OK, a solution:
While it may take two to tango, it will only take one to put an end to the Tomfoolery of a one-two shuffle. Once you have shuffled side to side a good four times, stay where you are, and let the other person dance around you. Meet their gaze, smile, and keep on walking!
These scenarios can actually brighten up your day, so instead of avoiding them, sometimes its fun to just do it. And if you are feeling very brave and like the look of the person you are shuffling with, why not grab their hands and do a little dance a la Gene Kelly or someone else famous for being a dancer (answers on a post card please). And while this might work in somewhere such a London, I wouldn't really try this in Down Town Ballygobackwards, you may end up being known as The Quare Wan. And no one wants that.

I Own The Footpath Type:
They see you, yet you might not necessarily see them. And yet as you are walking on the footpath, you sort of keep to your respective side so as not to pee any fellow pedestrians off. However, you may be veering off into the oncoming path of someone else (unbeknownst of course) The I Own The Footpath Type spots you coming from a mile away, much like a hunting lioness, sees that you are alone and vulnerable, and makes their move. Suddenly, as if you the mere meerkat in all this hears a rustling in the undergrowth and senses danger, you spot them, and move over to your chosen side while the hunter bears down on you. However, they are not walking in a straight line on their own side of the path, they are coming across the path, to your side. You think they may be doing so in error, but please dear meerkat, cop on, they are doing this intentionally, to gain power over the footpath, to gain control on the pavement empire. You make urgent eye contact with them, urging them to keep over their own side. But they are relentless, and will not be happy until you have walked into the wall parallel to the street you are on, or are arm deep in a bush or hedge along the side of the road. Once they have passed you, they instantly move back to their own sides, with a smug grin on their face.
Fine, OK, another solution:
There's not much you can do in this situation, except hold your own. Stand your ground, and if you are fast enough to recognise them coming down the street, perhaps feign rooting in your hand bag (on the side of the path, remember no one likes The Stopper) but stay where you are, until danger goes past you. Or, if you are feeling brave and are the kind of person who would engage in a hand held one-two shuffle like above, then give them a taste of their own medicine. Yes, that's right, become the I Own The Footpath Type. I have never seen this happen, so I wouldn't really recommend anyone to do it. You could give it a go though, and get back to me? Warning: do not engage in angry eye contact, they will sense your fear and you will end up not just touching the hedge growth, but more than likely in it. It will not end well.

The Marcher Type:
Normally women, I am not going to lie, you know the power-bitch types? With the glasses, and heels, and the make-up, and the waist the size of your arm, and the eyebrows, and the bag held not on their shoulder (that's a post for another day) but in the nook of their elbow? Yes, you all know them, of course some of you might actually be them. Anyway! They do see you, but pretend not to. In fact, when you look at them, it is as if you are invisible to them and they are looking straight through you. They also walk right in the middle of the footpath, and will be marching forth like a tank, and they will mow you down if you are not canny enough to see them early and move well out of the way.
OK this is the final solution: (note, not to be confused with Hitler's final solution, a tad drastic for a mere footpath violation)
You could march into them? Who knows where that could go though, so again, please do not try this. Your best bet? Do the walking equivalent of lying down in the foetal position and playing dead to avoid attack from The Marcher, pick a side of the pavement and keep as close to the edge as possible and never, ever veer into their path.

You have been warned.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Probably because the footpath hogger wouldn't get out of the way

Since moving to London, I'm seeing a phenomenon which I have witnessed elsewhere, but nowhere quite to the same degree. When I walk down the street, I like to get from A to B as quickly as possible. Even on a nice sunny day when really I should be paying attention to the wonders of nature, I'm still powering through to get to my destination. Some people however, are not like that. And therein lies the issue. It's the Curse of the Footpath Hogger.

There are many types of footpath hoggers, and you will see them all over this wonderful city, and indeed all over the world. Here are just a few...

The Stroller:
The Stroller ambles down the road, swinging their arms, marvelling at the buildings and the sights and the shops that they walk past. This particular type of hogger tends to sway back and over in the middle of the footpath, the swinging arms blocking all of your attempts to pass them by on either side of the path. You take a step to the left, boom too late, they're already sashaying on that side. You veer right and boom again, guess who's arms are flailing about on that side? You attempt a fake left-right, and yet you are left looking like a fool as you do an imaginary tap dance on the path and are still stuck behind them.
The Solution:
Dodge death by going wide onto the road around them and into oncoming traffic.
The Risk:
Being  hit by the No. 200 bus that comes out of nowhere from behind you.

The Tourist:
Not to be confused with the, ahem, award-winning film starring Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp, The Tourist is a type of hogger that is not just confined to London. Of course, you can find the tourist anywhere, any wiff of an interesting architectural feature or a world famous land site and you will find them there, fanny packs around the waist and cameras in hand. They walk hand in hand along the street, taking their cue from The Stroller, and have more of a pavement presence than the Stroller. They really do take over the entire footpath with their stone-washed large bums and their enormous baseball hats obscuring your view of oncoming pedestrian traffic, thereby leaving you delayed while they take pictures of a bus stop. A genuine authentic London bus stop. Wow.
The Solution:
Nothing much you can do in this situation, except grin and bear it. If you see an opening, just go for it.
The Risk:
Staying put and following them thereby being mistaken for one of them, or if you do make a run for it, you will probably bump into someone that you don't want to see, who ordinarily you would have avoided bumping into as you would have seen them coming up the street if said stone-washed bums and giant baseball hats were not in the way.

The Stopper:
The worst kind of hogger. They will be walking in front of you, probably at a pace to match your own. You are lulled into a false sense of security of them not hogging the path at all at all, when in fact, they are just laying the trap, waiting for you to walk right up close to them. Once they sense you merely millimetres from their back, they pick this very moment to suddenly stop, root in their bag/backpack/pocket for something. Normally a phone ringing or a wallet to be sourced. You cannot but crash right into the back of them, or have to grind to a skidding halt to stop yourself from rear-ending them. You wouldn't suddenly stop and go looking for something in the middle of the motorway would you? No, of course not. You would be beeped off the road and possibly smashed into by a car that is following you. On a motorway, you would calmly (well, I say calmly but you know!) put on your indicator and pull over to the side of the road before you recommence your search. Not The Stopper. No no, they stop dead on the spot, hence the name I suppose.
The Solution:
When you eventually hone your walking senses to be able to read people from the back, you will begin to take note of the people with bags, or bulging pockets, for they are the Stoppers. My advice? Go wide. Possibly cross the road. You will not win.
The Risk:
Not really watching the people in front of you and practically walking on top of the Stopper causing a wee embarrassing commotion on the street that could have otherwise being avoided had you been paying attention.

Tomorrow, Path Hoggers part deux.