Since breaking up in some extremely horrible circumstances a few weeks ago, I'm throwing myself head first into the singleton lifestyle. Not the dating lifestyle, the Being Alone Lifestyle. It involves a lot of pottering about on my own, a lot of talking to myself, devouring books again, watching exactly what I want on TV when I want, not talking when I don't want to, cooking for me and only me, no one pestering me to make them tea etc. There is a list longer than my elbow of all the things that are great about being on my own.
I don't have to consider anyone else's feelings all the time, I don't have to factor in consideration for my other half when I feel the whim to do something. I can act on said whim without (nearly) any recriminations. I can sleep spread eagled on my bed rather than hunched over my own side with my feet poking out from under the duvet. I still sleep relatively close to my preferred side of the bed with my feet poking out from under the duvet, but at least the option is there. I can snore and not disturb anyone bar possibly my next door neighbour. I can talk away in my sleep without anyone thinking I am mental. I can do some leering and perving on men without feeling guilty. Unless I am meeting someone or have plans, I am not held to someone's timetable. There is no one delaying me when I am getting ready for work in the morning. I can stand in my living room beside the heater and do a full body moisturise without someone looking at me. I can run around the room with my hair wrapped up in a towel and try on 50 different clothes and scrutinise my appearance until I am happy without someone sighing about how they want to leave. If I am not happy with my lumpy bits, it doesn't matter, I can get to them in my own time as there is no one to see them and I can stand there looking in the mirror and poke at the parts I don't like without feeling self conscious. I can floss my teeth on the couch. I can shower with the bathroom door open so the room will be toasty when I step out from under the water. (I do draw the line at peeing with the door open, even on my own in the house, the door is firmly locked) I can descale my feet and make them look almost like they belong to a human. I can write peacefully without someone wanting to see what I am doing or what I have scribbled down. I can listen to my headphones while chopping peppers. In a statement, I can devote my attention to mé féin.
And these are just things I can do in the Fairy Bubble. I have yet to really unleash myself into the outside world with this attitude. Imagine the possibilities!! I can flirt outrageously with people, even more so than I already do. I can meet a strangers eye when I am walking down the street and perhaps flash a smile at them. Maybe, just maybe even talk to them if they stop me. I can go out and kiss people. I can bring someone back if I want to, and it doesn't matter what time I come home at, there is no one there waiting for me or letting me feel guilty for being back so late. Hell, I don't even have to come home (although I still generally do, I like waking up in my own bed) I can hold fire until someone I really am into sweeps me off my feet, a dark haired, toned armed god if possible. I can hold out for someone amazing. I can do my Spanish lessons next year, without feeling I am neglecting a relationship. I can go to the gym every evening without feeling the same. I can head off travelling whenever I want to (funds and holiday allowance pending of course) I can sleep in. Oh the Gods of Sleeping in are smiling on me! I can do, really and truly anything I want.
The last few years have seen me morph from someone who was painfully shy, and who you really had to give her time for her to reveal her true self, into someone who no longer cares if strangers find her a bit weird or hideously boring, or if no one cares what I have to say, or if no one likes me. This is why I know I will be (and already are) happy on my own and making my own fun and my own fulfilment. Of course there are people that I really fancy, and I really like, but I won't be acting on it for a while, if ever (still a wee bit chicken for all my bravado) but that is the one aspect of my life that I won't be taking control of for a sometime. Everything else is up for grabs.
I am totally free to grab life by its giant, twisting horns and go for it and seek adventure in the world. On the other hand, I don't have to, I can just ask it to sit down on the couch while I'm drinking tea and watching the TV whilst listening to the radio and reading the paper all at the same time. How fabulous!
I don't have to consider anyone else's feelings all the time, I don't have to factor in consideration for my other half when I feel the whim to do something. I can act on said whim without (nearly) any recriminations. I can sleep spread eagled on my bed rather than hunched over my own side with my feet poking out from under the duvet. I still sleep relatively close to my preferred side of the bed with my feet poking out from under the duvet, but at least the option is there. I can snore and not disturb anyone bar possibly my next door neighbour. I can talk away in my sleep without anyone thinking I am mental. I can do some leering and perving on men without feeling guilty. Unless I am meeting someone or have plans, I am not held to someone's timetable. There is no one delaying me when I am getting ready for work in the morning. I can stand in my living room beside the heater and do a full body moisturise without someone looking at me. I can run around the room with my hair wrapped up in a towel and try on 50 different clothes and scrutinise my appearance until I am happy without someone sighing about how they want to leave. If I am not happy with my lumpy bits, it doesn't matter, I can get to them in my own time as there is no one to see them and I can stand there looking in the mirror and poke at the parts I don't like without feeling self conscious. I can floss my teeth on the couch. I can shower with the bathroom door open so the room will be toasty when I step out from under the water. (I do draw the line at peeing with the door open, even on my own in the house, the door is firmly locked) I can descale my feet and make them look almost like they belong to a human. I can write peacefully without someone wanting to see what I am doing or what I have scribbled down. I can listen to my headphones while chopping peppers. In a statement, I can devote my attention to mé féin.
And these are just things I can do in the Fairy Bubble. I have yet to really unleash myself into the outside world with this attitude. Imagine the possibilities!! I can flirt outrageously with people, even more so than I already do. I can meet a strangers eye when I am walking down the street and perhaps flash a smile at them. Maybe, just maybe even talk to them if they stop me. I can go out and kiss people. I can bring someone back if I want to, and it doesn't matter what time I come home at, there is no one there waiting for me or letting me feel guilty for being back so late. Hell, I don't even have to come home (although I still generally do, I like waking up in my own bed) I can hold fire until someone I really am into sweeps me off my feet, a dark haired, toned armed god if possible. I can hold out for someone amazing. I can do my Spanish lessons next year, without feeling I am neglecting a relationship. I can go to the gym every evening without feeling the same. I can head off travelling whenever I want to (funds and holiday allowance pending of course) I can sleep in. Oh the Gods of Sleeping in are smiling on me! I can do, really and truly anything I want.
The last few years have seen me morph from someone who was painfully shy, and who you really had to give her time for her to reveal her true self, into someone who no longer cares if strangers find her a bit weird or hideously boring, or if no one cares what I have to say, or if no one likes me. This is why I know I will be (and already are) happy on my own and making my own fun and my own fulfilment. Of course there are people that I really fancy, and I really like, but I won't be acting on it for a while, if ever (still a wee bit chicken for all my bravado) but that is the one aspect of my life that I won't be taking control of for a sometime. Everything else is up for grabs.
I am totally free to grab life by its giant, twisting horns and go for it and seek adventure in the world. On the other hand, I don't have to, I can just ask it to sit down on the couch while I'm drinking tea and watching the TV whilst listening to the radio and reading the paper all at the same time. How fabulous!
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